Our Deepest Fear...

This quote just knocks my socks off:

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,
talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God.

Your playing small does not serve the world.

There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other

people won't feel insecure around you.

We were born to make manifest the glory of
God that is within us.

It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine,
we unconsciously give other people
permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear,
our presence automatically liberates others."

—Marianne Williamson

The Pendulum

I have just been feeling so empowered. I’m so grateful to be where I am right now… And I know that I wrote a blog about being grateful a couple of months ago. In fact, it was my very first blog. But I feel like then, I was trying to appreciate what I was going through more than I was actually appreciating it. I would give myself a B (plus?) for effort on that one but right now… RIGHT NOW… I’m actually living what I was saying before. And it feels amazing.

Looking back on all the things that have happened (mostly challenges) since the last time I felt even remotely as powerful as I do now, I am so grateful and excited and ready for whatever comes my way. And I appreciate the time it took me to get here. It feels like, “I once was lost but now I’m found,” as cliché as that sounds but the people that know me well know exactly what I’m talking about. I was so lost. I was shaken to my core. And I remember feeling like, “Holy moly, is this how I’m going to be forever? What happened to all of my confidence? Was it just a ruse?” It was surreal! Even now, looking back, I think to myself, “I was so gone!” But I’m so very grateful to be here, on the other side. I got through it and the funny thing is that I thought I was through it when I moved to New York but I wasn’t. A part of me knew that I would get through it, but I also knew that I wasn’t there yet, even though I tried to convince myself that I was. (Advice: When something inside of you is trying to convince you that things will get better, LISTEN. Don’t tell it to shut up. You don’t have to believe that voice right away but at least, listen.)

Getting through those tough times is what makes life worth living. And we all have the capacity of making it through them. Usually I am the person that tries to remind people and myself that it could always be worse, and that strategy (which I now realize is NOT appreciative of the present state) still didn’t ease my pain. If anything, I felt MORE out of control and unsettled. Like, “When will it just be over???” And now it is. Something shifted in me and it was so sudden, so abrupt, but so welcome.

The pendulum has swung back, like it always does. I knew that the pain, the uncertainty, the insanity weren’t permanent—nothing is. But while I was feeling those emotions, it felt like forever. And I guess I’m just writing this so that whoever reads my blog can find strength. The pendulum ALWAYS swings back. Always. Life is just a pendulum, or at least that’s how I like to think of it. Sometimes it swings all the way over to the “awesome” side, but just like if you hold a necklace between your thumb and forefinger, and with your other hand push the pendant on that necklace, it will continue to swing back and forth. That’s how I see life. And even though for me, it felt like there was no “light at the end of the tunnel” in sight, life reminded me that the pendulum keeps moving, just not necessarily on my terms. Shocking, right?? :-)

Now I feel empowered to keep this going, to keep pushing the pendulum to the “awesome” side, to see how far I can go. It is inevitable that it will swing back, but when it does, I want to remember right now, and find strength in the fact that I can get through anything if I stay focused, if I don’t give up. I want to sustain this strength that I have rediscovered. And I know that sometimes I will feel weak, but that will only be a minority of the time, just like this past time. Yes, it felt like forever, but compared to all the moments that I have felt so powerful while I’ve been living here on Earth, it is miniscule.

I guess I don’t really have a question this time for you. I just want you to know that you are bigger than ALL the problems you may face. If you are reading this, then that means you’re not dead, and therefore, whatever challenges confront you right now, you will overcome.

A Poem

I love this poem.





I want to be a lost poem
in a stranger's coat pocket,
that conveys the importance of you.
To assure you of my desire,
to assure you of dreams.
I want all the possibilities
of you in writing.
I want to give you
your reflection,
I want your eyes on me,
I want to travel to the lightness
with you and stay there,
and I want
everything before you...
...everything before you
to follow us like a trail behind me.
I want never
to say goodbye to you,
even on the street corner
or the phone.
I want,
I want so much
I'm breathless.
I want to put my power
into a poem to burn a hole
in your pocket
so I can sew it.
I want my words
to scream through you
I want the poem
not to mean that much.
And I want
to contradict myself by accident,
and for you
to know what I mean.
I want you to be distant
and for me to feel you close,
I want endless days
when it's day and...
nighttime never to end
when it's night.
I want all the seasons
in one day.
I want the sun to set before us
and come up in front of us.
I want water up to our waists
and to be drenched by the rain,
up to our ankles
with holes in our shoes.
...with holes in our shoes.
I want to think your thoughts
because they're mine.
I want only
what's urgent with you.
I want to get
in the way of the barriers
and I want you to be a tough guy
when you're supposed to,
like you do already.
...when you're supposed to.
And I want you to be tender,
like you do already.
And I want us
to have met for a reason
and I want that reason
to be important.
And I want it
to be bigger than us,
I want it to take over us.
I want to forget.
I want to remember us.
And when you say
you love me
I don't want to think
you really mean New York City,
and all the fun
we have in it.
And I want your smile always,
and your grimaces too.
I want your scar on my lips,
and I want your disappointments
in my heart.
I want your strength
in my soul
and I want
your soul in my eyes,
I want to believe
everything you say,
and I do.
And I want you
to tell me what's best
when I don't know.
And when you're lost
I want to find you.
And when you're weary
I want to give you steeples
and cathedral thoughts
and coliseum dreams.
I want to drag you from the darkness
and kneel with you
exhausted with the blinding light
blaring on us,
And...

Thoughts On Obama's Nobel Peace Prize Acceptance Speech

"The concept of a 'just war' emerged, suggesting that war is justified only when it meets certain preconditions: if it's waged as a last resort or in self-defense; if the force used is proportional, and if, whenever possible, civilians are spared from violence." -Obama

None of these conditions are ever met in war. It's like saying, "fight fair," but fighting can never be fair because someone is always getting hurt. Perhaps it would be nice if war from this point forward followed all of these rules but then again, if we as humans had the capacity to uphold such conditions consistently, then we probably would find another way to settle our differences rather than fighting.


"We must begin by acknowledging the hard truth that we will not eradicate violent conflict in our lifetimes." -Obama

Not with that attitude we won't. Jk jk, but honestly, I like that he gave us that tough pill to swallow.


"Evil does exist in the world. To say that force is sometimes necessary is not a call to cynicism--it is a recognition of history, the imperfections of man and the limits of reason." -Obama

Honestly, I think the whole "good vs. evil" thing is so last century... There is a more modern way of framing it, I think, which highlights the complexities of conflict into more than just two groups. It's not black and white. Maybe I will write about that in my next blog...


"We have borne this burden not because we seek to impose our will. We have done so out of enlightened self-interest--because we seek a better future for our children and grandchildren, and we believe that their lives will be better if other people's children and grandchildren live in freedom and prosperity." -Obama

Some Americans DO seek to impose their will (*cough cough* Sarah Palin and her supporters *cough cough*). Also, I don't like that he used the word "better" when describing the future because "better" can be defined differently for lots of people, based on their culture. For one person, "better" could mean all people different from him rot in jail. The American way is not necessarily better and this is highlighted by the fact that there are still groups in American society who aren't seen as equals socially or politically (aka gays). We can't go around defining words like "better" when we still have a lot of work to do on acceptance and appreciation of difference.


"So yes, the instruments of war do have a role to play in preserving the peace. And yet this truth must coexist with another--that no matter how justified, war promises human tragedy. The soldier's courage and sacrifice is full of glory, expressing devotion to country, to cause and to comrades in arms. But war itself is never glorious, and we must never trumpet it as such." -Obama

Ummm war preserve peace? Ok Mao. If there is war then there IS NO peace. Huhwo. Also, I'm just over this whole obsession with "martyrdom." Stop perpetuating it. It's not glorious--it's sick-- that people have to DIE just to believe differently. And then when that someone dies, the killer (or killers) turn(s) into the new (perceived) enemy for all that martyr's supporters and thus another war begins in that martyr's name. Why don't people understand this??? It's not glorious to die for what you believe in--it's glorious to believe differently than others and still be able to sit around the table peacefully and enjoy each others' differences.


"War is sometimes necessary and war is at some level an expression of human feelings." -Obama

This to me sounds like a little kid justifying hitting his classmate on the playground, "You hurt my feelings so I hit you," and that somehow makes it ok? Remember the phrase, "Use your words?" Sheesh.


"The belief that peace is desirable is rarely enough to achieve it. Peace requires responsibility. Peace entails sacrifice." -Obama

WAR requires responsibility and sacrifice as well, am I right??? But engaging in war and not peace is so much easier for us. The belief that ANYTHING is desirable is rarely enough to achieve it. I think this is kind of a cop out.


Ponder this: Did anything stand out to you in Obama's speech? What do you think about war?

At the River - Groove Armada

Diggin' this one...

What Do You Think About Expectations?

I’ve been thinking a lot about expectations. Some people, whose ideas and thoughts on life I cherish (if not crave), suggest that expectations lead to resentments. Expect nothing and everything will mean something… I did a little bit of research about Buddhism, which posits this same concept of letting go of expectations in order to reduce our own suffering. Essentially, Buddhism proposes (because that’s what religion is to me, a proposal, but we can save that for another blog) that, “if we look at our life, very simply, we see that it is marked with frustration and pain. This is because we attempt to secure our relationship with the ‘world out there’ by solidifying our experiences in some concrete way. The problem is that the ‘world out there’ is constantly changing, everything is impermanent and it is impossible to make a permanent relationship with anything at all.” Makes sense… But this seems so obvious already to me. Yes, life, the world, our lives are constantly changing. If we expect anything to be consistent at all in this world it should be change. How twisted is that?

I am in no way, shape, or form suggesting that I know what Buddha was thinking, but I feel like, once again, us humans have put too much onto something that is really very simple. The point that I feel like he (or she) was trying to get across was this preceding fact: that change is inevitable and that clinging to negative emotions resulting from unexpected change is counterproductive. I mean, if we know life is always changing, why do we get so upset when something in our own individual life follows that same pattern? Let’s be honest, I have frequently had a pity party for myself when things didn’t go my way. My current problem is trying not to feel bad about feeling bad that things didn’t go my way… So basically, even though I know and accept that change is inevitable, I still feel sad sometimes. What is THAT about, right? Sometimes it’s just so hard to let go! I really wanted that and I put a shitload of work into it but I still didn’t get it so what the hell? I know it’s not the end of the world, I know that my state of upset is also temporary and that soon I will look back and think to myself, Damn, that sucked. Oh well, glad I made it to the other side. I know that life is just ups and downs. I know all that stuff. But I’m human. I’m not some enlightened monk who floats around letting the positives and negatives of life roll off her back like drops of rain, like nothing. I wouldn’t even want to not feel things… What is the point of being alive if we’re not feeling?

What if I do get what I expected from a situation or from a person? Is it ok for me to have positive feelings about that? Is it ok for me to feel love, joy, and excitement? Or am I still just setting myself up for failure? I feel. WE FEEL. That’s what we do. It seems to me that the sooner we embrace that fact rather than trying to figure out ways to avoid feeling, the sooner we can all just let each other be. Feelings can be just as temporary as life, if we learn to appreciate them as they come and then move on from them.

My questions to you, then, are as follows: What gets you through those times when someone or something doesn’t meet your expectations? What gets you through those times when YOU don’t meet your own expectations?

In the Sun - Joseph Arthur

Love this song too.