The Pendulum

I have just been feeling so empowered. I’m so grateful to be where I am right now… And I know that I wrote a blog about being grateful a couple of months ago. In fact, it was my very first blog. But I feel like then, I was trying to appreciate what I was going through more than I was actually appreciating it. I would give myself a B (plus?) for effort on that one but right now… RIGHT NOW… I’m actually living what I was saying before. And it feels amazing.

Looking back on all the things that have happened (mostly challenges) since the last time I felt even remotely as powerful as I do now, I am so grateful and excited and ready for whatever comes my way. And I appreciate the time it took me to get here. It feels like, “I once was lost but now I’m found,” as cliché as that sounds but the people that know me well know exactly what I’m talking about. I was so lost. I was shaken to my core. And I remember feeling like, “Holy moly, is this how I’m going to be forever? What happened to all of my confidence? Was it just a ruse?” It was surreal! Even now, looking back, I think to myself, “I was so gone!” But I’m so very grateful to be here, on the other side. I got through it and the funny thing is that I thought I was through it when I moved to New York but I wasn’t. A part of me knew that I would get through it, but I also knew that I wasn’t there yet, even though I tried to convince myself that I was. (Advice: When something inside of you is trying to convince you that things will get better, LISTEN. Don’t tell it to shut up. You don’t have to believe that voice right away but at least, listen.)

Getting through those tough times is what makes life worth living. And we all have the capacity of making it through them. Usually I am the person that tries to remind people and myself that it could always be worse, and that strategy (which I now realize is NOT appreciative of the present state) still didn’t ease my pain. If anything, I felt MORE out of control and unsettled. Like, “When will it just be over???” And now it is. Something shifted in me and it was so sudden, so abrupt, but so welcome.

The pendulum has swung back, like it always does. I knew that the pain, the uncertainty, the insanity weren’t permanent—nothing is. But while I was feeling those emotions, it felt like forever. And I guess I’m just writing this so that whoever reads my blog can find strength. The pendulum ALWAYS swings back. Always. Life is just a pendulum, or at least that’s how I like to think of it. Sometimes it swings all the way over to the “awesome” side, but just like if you hold a necklace between your thumb and forefinger, and with your other hand push the pendant on that necklace, it will continue to swing back and forth. That’s how I see life. And even though for me, it felt like there was no “light at the end of the tunnel” in sight, life reminded me that the pendulum keeps moving, just not necessarily on my terms. Shocking, right?? :-)

Now I feel empowered to keep this going, to keep pushing the pendulum to the “awesome” side, to see how far I can go. It is inevitable that it will swing back, but when it does, I want to remember right now, and find strength in the fact that I can get through anything if I stay focused, if I don’t give up. I want to sustain this strength that I have rediscovered. And I know that sometimes I will feel weak, but that will only be a minority of the time, just like this past time. Yes, it felt like forever, but compared to all the moments that I have felt so powerful while I’ve been living here on Earth, it is miniscule.

I guess I don’t really have a question this time for you. I just want you to know that you are bigger than ALL the problems you may face. If you are reading this, then that means you’re not dead, and therefore, whatever challenges confront you right now, you will overcome.