The Pendulum

I have just been feeling so empowered. I’m so grateful to be where I am right now… And I know that I wrote a blog about being grateful a couple of months ago. In fact, it was my very first blog. But I feel like then, I was trying to appreciate what I was going through more than I was actually appreciating it. I would give myself a B (plus?) for effort on that one but right now… RIGHT NOW… I’m actually living what I was saying before. And it feels amazing.

Looking back on all the things that have happened (mostly challenges) since the last time I felt even remotely as powerful as I do now, I am so grateful and excited and ready for whatever comes my way. And I appreciate the time it took me to get here. It feels like, “I once was lost but now I’m found,” as cliché as that sounds but the people that know me well know exactly what I’m talking about. I was so lost. I was shaken to my core. And I remember feeling like, “Holy moly, is this how I’m going to be forever? What happened to all of my confidence? Was it just a ruse?” It was surreal! Even now, looking back, I think to myself, “I was so gone!” But I’m so very grateful to be here, on the other side. I got through it and the funny thing is that I thought I was through it when I moved to New York but I wasn’t. A part of me knew that I would get through it, but I also knew that I wasn’t there yet, even though I tried to convince myself that I was. (Advice: When something inside of you is trying to convince you that things will get better, LISTEN. Don’t tell it to shut up. You don’t have to believe that voice right away but at least, listen.)

Getting through those tough times is what makes life worth living. And we all have the capacity of making it through them. Usually I am the person that tries to remind people and myself that it could always be worse, and that strategy (which I now realize is NOT appreciative of the present state) still didn’t ease my pain. If anything, I felt MORE out of control and unsettled. Like, “When will it just be over???” And now it is. Something shifted in me and it was so sudden, so abrupt, but so welcome.

The pendulum has swung back, like it always does. I knew that the pain, the uncertainty, the insanity weren’t permanent—nothing is. But while I was feeling those emotions, it felt like forever. And I guess I’m just writing this so that whoever reads my blog can find strength. The pendulum ALWAYS swings back. Always. Life is just a pendulum, or at least that’s how I like to think of it. Sometimes it swings all the way over to the “awesome” side, but just like if you hold a necklace between your thumb and forefinger, and with your other hand push the pendant on that necklace, it will continue to swing back and forth. That’s how I see life. And even though for me, it felt like there was no “light at the end of the tunnel” in sight, life reminded me that the pendulum keeps moving, just not necessarily on my terms. Shocking, right?? :-)

Now I feel empowered to keep this going, to keep pushing the pendulum to the “awesome” side, to see how far I can go. It is inevitable that it will swing back, but when it does, I want to remember right now, and find strength in the fact that I can get through anything if I stay focused, if I don’t give up. I want to sustain this strength that I have rediscovered. And I know that sometimes I will feel weak, but that will only be a minority of the time, just like this past time. Yes, it felt like forever, but compared to all the moments that I have felt so powerful while I’ve been living here on Earth, it is miniscule.

I guess I don’t really have a question this time for you. I just want you to know that you are bigger than ALL the problems you may face. If you are reading this, then that means you’re not dead, and therefore, whatever challenges confront you right now, you will overcome.

A Poem

I love this poem.





I want to be a lost poem
in a stranger's coat pocket,
that conveys the importance of you.
To assure you of my desire,
to assure you of dreams.
I want all the possibilities
of you in writing.
I want to give you
your reflection,
I want your eyes on me,
I want to travel to the lightness
with you and stay there,
and I want
everything before you...
...everything before you
to follow us like a trail behind me.
I want never
to say goodbye to you,
even on the street corner
or the phone.
I want,
I want so much
I'm breathless.
I want to put my power
into a poem to burn a hole
in your pocket
so I can sew it.
I want my words
to scream through you
I want the poem
not to mean that much.
And I want
to contradict myself by accident,
and for you
to know what I mean.
I want you to be distant
and for me to feel you close,
I want endless days
when it's day and...
nighttime never to end
when it's night.
I want all the seasons
in one day.
I want the sun to set before us
and come up in front of us.
I want water up to our waists
and to be drenched by the rain,
up to our ankles
with holes in our shoes.
...with holes in our shoes.
I want to think your thoughts
because they're mine.
I want only
what's urgent with you.
I want to get
in the way of the barriers
and I want you to be a tough guy
when you're supposed to,
like you do already.
...when you're supposed to.
And I want you to be tender,
like you do already.
And I want us
to have met for a reason
and I want that reason
to be important.
And I want it
to be bigger than us,
I want it to take over us.
I want to forget.
I want to remember us.
And when you say
you love me
I don't want to think
you really mean New York City,
and all the fun
we have in it.
And I want your smile always,
and your grimaces too.
I want your scar on my lips,
and I want your disappointments
in my heart.
I want your strength
in my soul
and I want
your soul in my eyes,
I want to believe
everything you say,
and I do.
And I want you
to tell me what's best
when I don't know.
And when you're lost
I want to find you.
And when you're weary
I want to give you steeples
and cathedral thoughts
and coliseum dreams.
I want to drag you from the darkness
and kneel with you
exhausted with the blinding light
blaring on us,
And...